Sleeping Child

It is the first day of kindergarten 2009 for Yen today, and we went to McDonald for lunch after I had picked her up. She had worked up quite an appetite after a morning of games and story-telling session, this being the first day after all, so no lessons yet. She ate 4 nuggets, a cheese burger (Mommy took a bite), fries and she even asked for ice-cream thereafter!

The McD Happy Meal’s toy of the week was a swimming digital game. That night during our talk with Jien, she told him about the game. Then she thought that she’ll better show it to him. So innocently, she told him to hold on whilst she went to the hall to retrieve the toy, and then proceeded to play and explain to him how it’s played. I could only do so much to hold myself from breaking down. My sweet innocent girl.

For our nightly talks, it’s as if there is a ‘direct line’ to Jien in heaven, and that the heavens opened up for that little while and Jien could look down upon us and hear us and see what we are showing him.

After we had bid him good night, she pretended that Jien gave her his loud kisses on her cheeks, and she hugged her new rather-large stuffed toy, Po the Kungfu Panda (my brother’s neighbour, Juliana, gave it to her after Jien went to Jesus). And Yen said “I pretend this is Heng Jien.”.

Later, she asked me how many days it has been since Jien went to heaven. It’s been 65 days. Some days are hard, and some days are harder. But not a moment, nor a day goes by that I do not think nor miss nor long for him. The feeling of emptiness envelopes me when I am alone. For I had hardly ever been alone since he was born. Even when I go out shopping or run some errands, it is always in a rush for I want to get home to the kids, or I’ll be calling or sms Marcel to check on whether the kids had taken their meals, or milk, or nap, or drink sufficient water, to remind Marcel to check on Jien’s diaper, to switch on Yen’s favourite show, etc etc – all the little details and such when it comes to kids.

I remember once when I was at the Atria bookshop with Yen, and we ran into a friend. Later, I called Marcel to check on Jien ie what time he woke from his nap, had he drank his milk and how much of it, what he’s doing now, and to make sure he drinks water, etc. My friend who was within earshot, advised me not to worry, Daddy can take care of the boy.

Yen is almost 6 now, and is rather an independent little lady. Only Jien needs me…needed me. I thank God for my little girl and Marcel. Marcel has been my rock, and my girl, my little cheerleader; she makes me smile, she gives me joy. But my heart still aches

I am happy sometimes, but I feel guilty later. How could I be happy when my son is gone? How dare I be happy. Does it even make sense? I looked in on Yen sleeping alone. I had taken many pictures of my kids sleeping together; so cute, so adorable, so peaceful.

Now when I look at the pictures of Jien sleeping, it reminds me of the final picture of him in my mind – laying in the casket. He did look so peaceful, just like he is sleeping. I touched his cheek. So cold. Just like he’s sleeping in the air con room. I placed my cheek against his cheek for the last time that day. I still remember that last day, when he had laid his head on my shoulder for his afternoon nap and I had a little short nap with him too. But Yen was waiting for me in the living room for our quiet time together, only possible when Jien has his afternoon nap. It was the last time that I held him to sleep. How I wish there would be more.

Tears In Heaven

Matthew at 6 months old; a chubby and happy baby, a joy to us










We went to church last week. We three; Marcel, Yen and I. We had not gone to church for a very long time. I have a ‘cordial’ relationship with God, I know that He’s there, and I’m here. Yes, I have faith in God, and I do all the right things, but I do not have a real relationship with God. That had worked for me fine, but it isn’t enough now that Jien is there with Him.

I was in Taiping last fortnight, when I received a text sms from Mabel. This is such a wonderful lady - a new friend whom I got to know only when I started taking Jien to the playschool in Jan 2008 - who has been uplifting me during the year end holidays via her texts. I was just telling her via the text; “I remember once when you, Mary and I were downstairs at the playgroup. Mary had wanted to talk to me about my intent on taking Jien to a speech therapist, and so you took Jien and carried him upstairs. In no time, you were back with him for he had tears just streaming down his face. You said that it just broke your heart as he was crying silently for me. He had wanted his mommy. I wonder if he cries for me in heaven…”

Jien was about 2 years and a month old then. He's very attached to me, but he's also his own little man, that's how Daddy and I would refer to him sometimes. He does what he wants and when he wants to. He's a little man that you can't boss around, an intelligent little man. I was concerned then that at his age, he couldn't speak yet, though he could call his sister cheh cheh and our Taiping neighbour's cat Kitty. He absolutely adores Yen and he calls her cheh cheh.

In the afternoons, Yen would be doing her kindergarten homework in the hall while I pat Jien for his afternoon nap in the room. And when he hears any sort of noise from the hall or the bathroom, he'll say cheh cheh. For who else could it be but for the cheh cheh whom he loves and adores so much.

Daddy has this thing with the kids. When he says "1 2 3" with his arms wide open, Jien would run into his arms. For Yen, it's "4 5 6." Jien loves to be carried up high by Daddy.

Jien gives us the loudest of kisses every night before bed, a loud kiss on each cheek, followed by a hug, or hugs. So lovable, and so mischievious. Sometimes, Yen would shriek with delight or in tickles but Jien always make sure that she gets a kiss on each cheek from him. Yen too loves getting kisses from her little brother. When Jien was younger and he didn't know how to kiss yet (or more that he wasn't interested in kissing us yet), each kiss from him was so very 'precious' for Yen. She would get so excited when Jien did kiss her and would tell us that "Heng Jien gave me two kisses." She's never jealous of him. He's the most natural things to her.

So often now she tells me that she's bored without Jien, nobody to play with. It's a five year old's way of saying that she misses him. She still can't sleep on her own, something that she could do since she was 4 months old. Her little room mate is no longer here.

I wonder if Jien longs for us in heaven. I wonder if he streaches out his arms to reach for me in heaven. I wonder if he misses us.I wonder if he could 'look down' and see where we are and what we're doing. I wonder if he understands why he's there.

It was late in the night at almost 2 am when I got the sms from Mabel, she must have gone home and referred to the Bible. I kept the texts and this is what she tells me “My dear Michelle, the Bible says there’s no tears and sadness in heaven. I’m sure Jien misses you too and looking forward to the day when your family can be reunited again in heaven. He’s now in the best place anyone can hope to be – God’s side. As hard as it is, you need to let go because he is with his Creator. Having said that, we have all the wonderful memories we can hang on to, to help us move on, not without him but with him in our hearts. I hope you will allow me to walk with you through this difficult journey. We can laugh and cry together. See you tomorrow. God bless.”

I do miss Jien so much, and as much as I want him to be happy in heaven, I’d hope that he misses and remembers us too, for he is just a toddler. Yen knows that heaven is the best place ever, I keep telling her that. I’m reminded of Eric Clapton’s song ‘Tears in Heaven.’ He too, had lost his son.

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?