Heaven Is Perfect

Yen had always slept on her own. Even when she was a baby and it was bedtime, we'll place her on her bed, and switch off the lights. She can fall asleep on her own. When Jien was old enough to join her in her room, they slept together. She on the bed, and him on the mattress on the floor next to her bed. They'll have so much fun before bedtime. She had placed the mattress slanting on her bed, and they both slid down the mattress slide. Or he'll hide under the mattress, and will so cleverly pull the pillows to cover the bump. Because he's so petite, we'll sometimes have trouble finding him.

But she refuses to sleep alone since Jien's gone. So we sleep together. And at nights, many many nights, I'll cry silent tears, missing my son. If she did hear me, I'd lie and say that I have the flu. I thought that she had bought my lies all along, but last night, she reached over and patted me. And she said 'Don't worry about Heng Jien. I am still here. Heaven is perfect, earth is not perfect.'

How did she know that? My little girl is so grown up suddenly. She knows, she knew..that i miss him so much. How long has she known that I have been crying for him nightly?

Happy Birthday Earth Boy

Matthew will be three years old in a few days. Miss him so so much. I see the pictures of him; of him alone, of him with cheh cheh, of him with us. I can't believe that he's gone. So surreal, yet so real. So sad, so angry, so in grief. It's been over five and a half months. I couldn't blog. So painful. So angry at some people who talk without thinking, angry at myself for letting that affect me, angry and dissappointed at those whom i thought i could count on, and yet be surprised by the support and love of those I least expect from. So much tears, it never stops. So tired of this grief, it's so draining. Yes, I miss you so, my puppy boy. I miss your laughs, your shrieks of joy, your happiness at the simpliest things. Your cheh cheh laughs alone now, and i'd try to imagine your laughters in hers. So hard to carry on every single day. So hard to put on a brave front everyday. So hard to fall asleep at night without you in my arms, your head on my chest, feeling your breath. How I wish that i had held you longer that last time, to savour every bit of you. I will always regret that. To hold you close again...

Were you with us for two and a half years? Feels like a dream sometimes. Your toys and clothes are still here. Though I have not opened the drawers for a while now. Maybe i will later, to see your favourite clothes, your favourite toys. To imagine that you are still here, playing with them as I sit on the sofa trying to read the papers. Trying to imagine you in my mind, of you running from room to hall and from hall to room. Taking things, disturbing cheh cheh. How I miss her shrieks of 'mommy Heng Jien is distrubing me'. It is so quiet now. The silence is deafening. Mommy and Daddy are not meant to have one child, your cheh cheh only. That's why we wanted you. We have so so much love to give. Wish you can feel our love for you even now. Can you feel it in heaven? Mommy is so so sorry that mommy could not take care of you well enough here on earth. I know that Jesus takes care of you now, so much better. But i still love you so, I still miss you so, I always will. I still cry for you, i still pine for you.

Happy birthday soon to my earth boy. Your birthday is on earth day, 22 April. Cheh cheh said that you would want a Thomas train cake. Yeah, i'm sure you would. I remember that you liked the Thomas bag that belonged to someone at the playgroup. I wish that I got one for you then. Happy Birthday soon, baby. Mommy and Daddy love you so so much

Sleeping Child

It is the first day of kindergarten 2009 for Yen today, and we went to McDonald for lunch after I had picked her up. She had worked up quite an appetite after a morning of games and story-telling session, this being the first day after all, so no lessons yet. She ate 4 nuggets, a cheese burger (Mommy took a bite), fries and she even asked for ice-cream thereafter!

The McD Happy Meal’s toy of the week was a swimming digital game. That night during our talk with Jien, she told him about the game. Then she thought that she’ll better show it to him. So innocently, she told him to hold on whilst she went to the hall to retrieve the toy, and then proceeded to play and explain to him how it’s played. I could only do so much to hold myself from breaking down. My sweet innocent girl.

For our nightly talks, it’s as if there is a ‘direct line’ to Jien in heaven, and that the heavens opened up for that little while and Jien could look down upon us and hear us and see what we are showing him.

After we had bid him good night, she pretended that Jien gave her his loud kisses on her cheeks, and she hugged her new rather-large stuffed toy, Po the Kungfu Panda (my brother’s neighbour, Juliana, gave it to her after Jien went to Jesus). And Yen said “I pretend this is Heng Jien.”.

Later, she asked me how many days it has been since Jien went to heaven. It’s been 65 days. Some days are hard, and some days are harder. But not a moment, nor a day goes by that I do not think nor miss nor long for him. The feeling of emptiness envelopes me when I am alone. For I had hardly ever been alone since he was born. Even when I go out shopping or run some errands, it is always in a rush for I want to get home to the kids, or I’ll be calling or sms Marcel to check on whether the kids had taken their meals, or milk, or nap, or drink sufficient water, to remind Marcel to check on Jien’s diaper, to switch on Yen’s favourite show, etc etc – all the little details and such when it comes to kids.

I remember once when I was at the Atria bookshop with Yen, and we ran into a friend. Later, I called Marcel to check on Jien ie what time he woke from his nap, had he drank his milk and how much of it, what he’s doing now, and to make sure he drinks water, etc. My friend who was within earshot, advised me not to worry, Daddy can take care of the boy.

Yen is almost 6 now, and is rather an independent little lady. Only Jien needs me…needed me. I thank God for my little girl and Marcel. Marcel has been my rock, and my girl, my little cheerleader; she makes me smile, she gives me joy. But my heart still aches

I am happy sometimes, but I feel guilty later. How could I be happy when my son is gone? How dare I be happy. Does it even make sense? I looked in on Yen sleeping alone. I had taken many pictures of my kids sleeping together; so cute, so adorable, so peaceful.

Now when I look at the pictures of Jien sleeping, it reminds me of the final picture of him in my mind – laying in the casket. He did look so peaceful, just like he is sleeping. I touched his cheek. So cold. Just like he’s sleeping in the air con room. I placed my cheek against his cheek for the last time that day. I still remember that last day, when he had laid his head on my shoulder for his afternoon nap and I had a little short nap with him too. But Yen was waiting for me in the living room for our quiet time together, only possible when Jien has his afternoon nap. It was the last time that I held him to sleep. How I wish there would be more.

Tears In Heaven

Matthew at 6 months old; a chubby and happy baby, a joy to us










We went to church last week. We three; Marcel, Yen and I. We had not gone to church for a very long time. I have a ‘cordial’ relationship with God, I know that He’s there, and I’m here. Yes, I have faith in God, and I do all the right things, but I do not have a real relationship with God. That had worked for me fine, but it isn’t enough now that Jien is there with Him.

I was in Taiping last fortnight, when I received a text sms from Mabel. This is such a wonderful lady - a new friend whom I got to know only when I started taking Jien to the playschool in Jan 2008 - who has been uplifting me during the year end holidays via her texts. I was just telling her via the text; “I remember once when you, Mary and I were downstairs at the playgroup. Mary had wanted to talk to me about my intent on taking Jien to a speech therapist, and so you took Jien and carried him upstairs. In no time, you were back with him for he had tears just streaming down his face. You said that it just broke your heart as he was crying silently for me. He had wanted his mommy. I wonder if he cries for me in heaven…”

Jien was about 2 years and a month old then. He's very attached to me, but he's also his own little man, that's how Daddy and I would refer to him sometimes. He does what he wants and when he wants to. He's a little man that you can't boss around, an intelligent little man. I was concerned then that at his age, he couldn't speak yet, though he could call his sister cheh cheh and our Taiping neighbour's cat Kitty. He absolutely adores Yen and he calls her cheh cheh.

In the afternoons, Yen would be doing her kindergarten homework in the hall while I pat Jien for his afternoon nap in the room. And when he hears any sort of noise from the hall or the bathroom, he'll say cheh cheh. For who else could it be but for the cheh cheh whom he loves and adores so much.

Daddy has this thing with the kids. When he says "1 2 3" with his arms wide open, Jien would run into his arms. For Yen, it's "4 5 6." Jien loves to be carried up high by Daddy.

Jien gives us the loudest of kisses every night before bed, a loud kiss on each cheek, followed by a hug, or hugs. So lovable, and so mischievious. Sometimes, Yen would shriek with delight or in tickles but Jien always make sure that she gets a kiss on each cheek from him. Yen too loves getting kisses from her little brother. When Jien was younger and he didn't know how to kiss yet (or more that he wasn't interested in kissing us yet), each kiss from him was so very 'precious' for Yen. She would get so excited when Jien did kiss her and would tell us that "Heng Jien gave me two kisses." She's never jealous of him. He's the most natural things to her.

So often now she tells me that she's bored without Jien, nobody to play with. It's a five year old's way of saying that she misses him. She still can't sleep on her own, something that she could do since she was 4 months old. Her little room mate is no longer here.

I wonder if Jien longs for us in heaven. I wonder if he streaches out his arms to reach for me in heaven. I wonder if he misses us.I wonder if he could 'look down' and see where we are and what we're doing. I wonder if he understands why he's there.

It was late in the night at almost 2 am when I got the sms from Mabel, she must have gone home and referred to the Bible. I kept the texts and this is what she tells me “My dear Michelle, the Bible says there’s no tears and sadness in heaven. I’m sure Jien misses you too and looking forward to the day when your family can be reunited again in heaven. He’s now in the best place anyone can hope to be – God’s side. As hard as it is, you need to let go because he is with his Creator. Having said that, we have all the wonderful memories we can hang on to, to help us move on, not without him but with him in our hearts. I hope you will allow me to walk with you through this difficult journey. We can laugh and cry together. See you tomorrow. God bless.”

I do miss Jien so much, and as much as I want him to be happy in heaven, I’d hope that he misses and remembers us too, for he is just a toddler. Yen knows that heaven is the best place ever, I keep telling her that. I’m reminded of Eric Clapton’s song ‘Tears in Heaven.’ He too, had lost his son.

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?

In The Quiet of the Night..

The Lariche family at home on Christmas morning last year, Jien's second and last Christmas with us



In the quiet of the night, I miss my son the most. In the quiet of the night, as I lay in bed, I imagine the weight of his head on my chest and my arms encircling him as he drifts to sleep. I’d imagine the warmth of his little petite body next to mine. I know of his contentment and his sense of security of being in my arms, that all is well in Mommy’s arms. In the quiet of the night, hot tears would stream down my face. And in the quiet of the first morning light, I’d wish my son Good Morning in heaven.

In the day, I would try to keep busy, but in the quiet of the night, I’d think of Jien. How could I not? It’s been 40 days since he went to Jesus.. I can’t and don’t want to put it any other way. Yes, he is with Jesus, but his Daddy and I miss him so much, and Yen as well. Yen said, that every night she thinks of him. Yes, my girl, so do I, so do I.

40 days has not made the pain any bearable. The head is sensible but our hearts just hurt so much. I miss my son so so much. I miss everything of him, but I miss his laughter the most. He has the happiest of laughs; so full of joy that it’s just contagious.

Every night, we’ll pray to Jesus with our daughter, and talk to our son in heaven. And Yen will tell him what she has done for that day, and every night, she’ll end with ‘I love you Heng Jien, I miss you’. She has accepted it well that he is in another place, and that we can ‘talk’ to him in heaven. She will tell him when his favourite show (Mickey Mouse, Pocoyo or Winnie) is on and to let Jesus switch on the TV for him. The other day as I was on the PC and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was on the TV, Yen kept saying ‘Heng Jien’s favourite show’ several times. I was not paying attention till she called me. I saw what was on the TV and I realised it then. So I said out loud ‘Heng Jien….’ but before I could go on, Yen said ‘I told him already Mommy’. I knew what she meant. That she had told her brother that his fav show is on, and to ask Jesus to switch on the TV for him.

I don’t know how it is in heaven, but I want my son to be happy there. Does he miss me? I don’t know. I miss him come running to me with his arms stretched out to me when something is wrong, when he has fallen, when he has been naughty and Daddy disciplines him. I always take him in my arms, and Daddy will tell me off that I am spoiling our son. I miss him when there is a thunder storm, for if he is here, my son will be clinging to me tight, for he is afraid of the loud thunder. And I would hold him till the storm passes. I’m sure that Jesus is holding him now when there is a thunder storm, or maybe there aren’t any thunder storms in heaven.

The Christmas decorations at the Mid Valley mall are just beautiful, and Jien would so enjoy them. But he is not here. The grief of losing a child…

Marcel and I try to keep busy, but at night, it is just so quiet without our son. We stay up late, watching TV or be on the PC, or just some work here and there, to tire ourselves so we’ll fall asleep fast. But sometimes, sleep eludes us. I have hugged my son’s Daddy and cry to sleep. Jien will not have his third Christmas with us, nor his forth, nor his fifth. It is not that we want to dwell in this grief. It is not that we are stupid to self-inflict this pain onto ourselves, but if we do not grieve, or miss, or long for our son, then it means that the 30 months of his life with us did not matter, that he did not leave an impact in our lives. If we do not grieve, then it means that we do not love him. And we love him so so much. His absence leaves such a void in our hearts.

Matthew's Milk Bottles

I took down Jien’s milk bottle sterilizer this morning. It has been untouched for the past one month. There was a layer of dust on the top. I wiped it, I opened it and peered inside. It was empty. It will no longer be used. My son does not need it anymore. His milk bottles have been put away too. I put them in a plastic bag and in a nice paper bag, and leave it next to the ironing board in the storeroom, and I don’t know what to do with it. But I leave his pacifier in a container in the kitchen cabinet, above the microwave. I want to keep it there, as it has always been there. I don’t know why. He only uses the pacifier when he needs to go to sleep. And he knows it is sleep time when he sees the pacifier, or he will take my hand and lead me to the kitchen, and point to the kitchen cabinet, to tell me that he wants his pacifier as he is sleepy already.


I cried as I pack these. I cry as he is no longer here, and hence, he no longer needs them. I cry of the memories of me washing the milk bottles every night, after he has slept, so that all will be nice and clean and ready for me to give him his milk first thing the next morning. I cry because he will not grow up to be weaned off drinking milk from a bottle, to be weaned off his so-very-needed pacifier. I cry as I took the photos of his sterilizer and milk bottles and pacifier, and his Bob the Builder water bottle. He likes that water bottle and we’ll take that to the playgroup, to the park, etc. Why did I take the photos? So that I will remember all the little and tiniest details of everything of him.

In ten years, I want to read this blog, and click to the year 2008, the year that I started this blog, the year that my son went to Jesus, and the year (and the subsequent years) of how Marcel and I cope with it. I want to see Jien’s Bob the Builder water bottle, his pacifier, etc. That he was with us for such an enriching 30 months, of how he had dominated every part of us, of how much we love him even though I want to tear my hair out some days as he’s such a challenge to care for, and so much to love him for.

All of my son’s things; his clothes and his toys and his books, are still as they are. I can’t bear to move them, yet. When? I don’t know. I open his clothes drawers, and take out a shirt, and put it to my face and draw a deep breath. A breath of him? I don’t know. A life extinguished, a little petite 2 feet 8 inches boy reduced to ashes, the baby that I bore in my womb for 9 months and held to sleep every night of his life. Faith that he is in heaven, Faith that he is happy where he is. Faith is what gets us through. If not for Faith, what else have we to hold on to, and to hope for …

Matthew's Last Night With Us

These are the precious pictures that we have of Jien and us together, of our family together, on 30 October 2008, the day before he went to Jesus. Daddy had come home early from work at about 8 plus, just as the kids were finishing their dinner of rice with nuggets. Daddy then played with the kids while mommy cleared and washed the dishes. Daddy though of a new game for the kids, throwing and aiming the pieces of Yen’s plastic masak-masak toy food into a bucket. It was a night that the kids stayed up way past their 9.30pm bedtime, to be with Daddy. Yen was also learning how to use our digital camera, so it was her who took the shots of Jien with his parents. It was a happy happy night, full of laughter and shrieks and hugs and roll-abouts. It was a perfect perfect last night with our son.

Daddy with his two little pride and joy

Jien wanted to climb on Daddy's shoulder and almost broke Daddy's specs.

what a glare from Daddy but that didn't faze him

Alright, Daddy removed his specs and

Jien got what he wanted, to be on Daddy's shoulder,

and Yen laughing away

Daddy and Mommy with their handsome little son

Keep still Jien, cheh cheh is taking our picture


Look at the camera son, cheh cheh is taking our picture

Mommy giving Jien a big big slurpy kiss

It’s been 30 days since Jien has gone to Jesus..30 days, one month. It feels like a dream that he’s been gone. Sometimes, I’d half expect him to come whizzing running from his room from his hiding spot under the mattress. He’s also good at hiding under the pile of pillows that most times, his Daddy and I could not find him, since he’s so petite. That pile of pillows will be his hiding spot after a bath. After getting wiped dry, my little naked son will run to our bedroom and hide under the pillows. He’s such a cheeky little imp, a little Speedy Gonzales that’s always on the go, and nothing gets him down.

We miss him so much. Just last night, Yen was saying that ‘I’m bored going to the park as I don’t have Heng Jien to play with.’ Yen and I had not gotten back to our old routine. I had only cooked once since Jien has been gone, it was last week. Even cooking a meal is hard. Everything is to be reduced. I took out 4 pieces of nuggets instead of the usual 7, because my son is not here. I cooked a half cup of rice instead of the usual three quarters cup of rice because my son is gone. Every regular thing that I do is to be changed, because my son is no longer here, and because he was such a big big part of me..he and his sister are my everything. How do I even go on? I just do.. I miss him so so much it hurts, it bleeds my heart..

Even as I clean the house, I’d fine that odd piece of puzzle that he had left under the sofa, or the lego piece under the TV bench. Or his musical toy in the top drawer in my bedroom, etc….it just hurts hurts hurts..i so want my son back..i want to hug him,,,I miss his hugs.

My first thoughts when I wake in the morning are of him. I miss finding him sleeping next to me. He’d always come to Marcel’s and my bed when he wakes in the middle of the night, from the bedroom that he shares with his sister. No fuss for milk or a diaper change or anything of that sort. He just wants to be with Mommy. At two and a half, he still needs to be patted to sleep. He’d lie his head on the left side of my chest, my arm as his pillow and he’ll pull my other arm to be around him. He wants to be hugged as he goes to sleep. I miss that. And in the mornings when I wake, and at nights when I go to sleep, I’d close my eyes and remember and imagine that he’s next to me.

No one can come to really understand or imagine what Marcel and I are going through, unless they too have lost a child. It is so so hard. No, we are not dwelling in the past. We have let him go, he is with Jesus. We just miss him oh so much. His sister and us would talk about how he would be doing something with Jesus and the other angels in heaven, like running about in the field, (Yen had asked if there are parks in heaven, and I said that I am sure there are) or even how perhaps he would be throwing his tantrums there, as Yen puts it ‘he’ll throw a tantrum when he doesn’t get things his way’ ha ha. But never mind, for Jesus has Mother Mary and all the other angels to help him take care of Jien. Or that Jesus has switched on the TV for Jien as his favourite show Pocoyo is on. Yen has mentioned that she hoped Jesus has better luck in feeding Jien healthy food like fruits and vegetables, for my son is such a picky eater. Such conversations bring a smile to me, for I too, would imagine Jesus with a spoon in his hand, feeding my son.

Leticia is 5, and we had to make it simple and comprehensible for her to understand where her brother has gone. She has accepted it well, though she misses him so. A couple of days ago, she mentioned that a Kakak (domestic maid) had come to pick up a school mate after the kindergarten classes had ended, and that the Kakak was carrying a toddler. Yen said that the ‘baby’ looked just like Heng Jien, and that she had wanted to come and hug him, but she was sitting too far. When she said that, tears just welled in my eyes, and I could literally feel my heart strings so strongly tugged.

She has been such a wonderful sister to Jien, and she still is. I know that one day, she will forget him.. I don’t mean that she will forget that she has a brother, but that she will forget the little details of him, the fun that they had together, the quirks of her brother, what he does, how he does it, etc. She is only 5. How many of us can even remember what happened or what we did when we were 5? We can only remind her of so much, for she too, has to move on and we don’t want to ‘burden’ her with the details of it all to ‘suffocate’ her. She has wonderful and happy memories of him, and only time will tell, of what she can remember of him, in years to come. My little girl has always loved babies. Even before Jien was born, she as a little toddler herself, was fascinated with babies. Exactly 3 years and 2 months older than her brother, she has helped me take care of Jien from the moment he was born.

I love my son, I miss my son…what else is there to say.

Private Pain

Mommy and Daddy's little entertainers at home

Don't look at me, cheh cheh is singing waaay too loud

Little drummer boy

It’s been three weeks since we lost Matthew, and I had not posted anything here because it is so painful. Private pain.. does it even make sense? Something private, personally deep, and yet, I want to put it down so that I’d know and remember this journey, so that perhaps one day, I may channel this into something positive. So that I’d not forget the pain when one day, it will not be so painful thinking of him, and missing him.

It feels surreal sometimes to be here, that the whole thing did not happen. But it did. What is the right way to feel? How long should I feel this way? I don’t know.

Walking in the mall in hard; seeing all the cute little clothes that I know he’ll look so nice in. A cute little SpongeBob shirt caught my eye (though I never liked that character) and my husband said that Jien would look so cute in it. Saw a Tigger romper, complete with tiger strips, that I know Jien would love, and would look absolutely adorable in as he jumps up and down while watching his favourite Tigger cartoon. Another show that gets him excited is Pocoyo. But my son is gone.

Went to Bangsar Village last week to meet some old college friends at a café, and the Concourse Area was occupied by Toy R Us displaying toys. I saw Thomas the Train, another of Jien’s favourite toys. He has exactly 16 trains of Thomas and his friends (trains, engines, jet fuel tankers and the works) of the Learning Curve brand, and I had been planning to get him the tracks and stations to go with it. I could not help but to pick up some of the toys, to look at them and to imagine my son playing with them. My son who would not have the chance to grow up to be all that his parents hope him to be.

When I took my daughter to the park the other day, she didn’t want to run about, or climb or swing. She just sat on the see-saw, and said that she misses her brother. That’s the first time we went to the park without Jien. We had not gone back since.

Everywhere that we go feels so different, for he is no longer with us. He’s such a handful, for he is so all over the place and so active. He’s his own little guy, doing what he wants. It was challenging caring and raising him. Though Leticia is just 3 years older than him, she is my little helper. Yen loves taking care of him, she’ll wear his shoes and sandles for him, run after him when he runs too far, even grab and hug him to keep still so that I could catch up with him as he is nonchalant to my shouts to stop. But he is always laughing, squealing with delight. He was a happy happy child who absolutely adores his sister. He is just happy with everything. Even when he’s naughty and gets a spank from me or his Daddy, he’ll cry just for a really short while, and soon, he’ll be back to his antics and being so cute, that we’ll be wondering how could we even spank such a cute and adorable thing.

Christmas is coming soon, and I was just looking through the Christmas pics that we took last year. His last Christmas with us. He would so enjoy Christmas. He would not really understand, but he would love tearing open the presents and just being happy in the company of his big sis and cousins. It will be a hard Christmas for his mommy and daddy.

Missing Her Brother

Was it a tough day at nursery school today, cheh cheh?

A big hug for my little brother

Mommy, cheh cheh is singing so loudly, make her stop

I'm so glad when mommy and Heng Jien come to pick me up after school

These pictures were taken when Leticia was 4+ and Matthew was 18 months old, the only pictures that i have of both of them in the back seat of my little trusty Tiara car. He would shriek with delight whenever he sees cheh cheh after her kindy.

Leticia misses her brother a lot. She knows that he is in heaven, and we try to be positive about it to her. That he is no more here with us because he is in heaven, as natural as we try to be. And as a five year old, she easily accepts that. As I was tucking her into bed just now, she said to me ‘Mommy, say good night to Heng Jien.’ So I said good-night to my son in heaven. Earlier in the evening as I was giving her the kids’ star- shaped vitamin, as I was shaking the tablets out of the bottle and 2 fell out onto my palm, she said ‘just one vitamin now mommy’. As much as I am glad that she is accepting well that Jien is not here anymore, I know she misses him so and it breaks my heart. He was her playmate and room mate, and more.

Since he left us, she has refused to sleep in her room and now sleeps with Marcel and I in our room. Though they both share a room, Jien would always come onto our bed when he wakes in the middle of the night. He doesn’t fuss nor want milk when he wakes, he’d just walk to our room and climb onto our bed – sleeping in between Marcel and I. I’d always wake to find him next to me, sometimes even with his toy rabbit Hoppity (it was the cheh cheh’s rabbit) with him. He had been rather attached to this rabbit a few weeks before, which I was a bit delighted since he never did have any attachment to any toy animals before, unlike Yen who was very attached to her toy cat Sparkles and the red dog Patrick when she was his age. I felt that it should be natural for kids his age to have their favourite toy animal. So that’s why Hoppity was with Jien in the casket. I am so glad that he looked so at peace, my handsome little boy, with Hoppity beside him - strange as it may sound – that he was not really alone.

The back seat of the car is so quiet now without Matthew. For the past one week, I have been looking back and seeing my daughter staring out the window, silent. Before, she would play with her brother (he is safely strapped in his baby car seat) and there would be laughter, squeals, complaints, screaming, etc. And now, silence in the back seat.

A few days ago, Yen asked me ‘are you going to have another baby?’ I told her that I’m not sure, and I don’t know yet. ‘Why, do you want another baby?’ I asked her. She shook her head and said ‘scared what happened to Heng Jien happen to baby,’ and she added ‘miss Heng Jien.’

Yes, we all do miss him. It’s incredibly and unbelievably hard. I’d be ok and the next moment, not ok. And when that happens, that feeling just so overwhelmingly overtakes my whole being. It’s indescribable. I’d never lost anyone close to me before, other than my grandma who passed on at the age of 84 after a long bout of illness. But this is my son. It’s so hard in even questioning why and what ifs.

Sometimes when I look at pictures of my son or think of him, I can’t help but feel ‘cheated.’ Cheated of a normal life with 2 normal kids, doing the mundane and ordinary things that a family of 4 does. Now it’s the 3 of us. We take so much for granted, until life gives you a twist. Yes, I feel angry sometimes. How could I not? Such a waste. Such a waste of my lovely son. He is so beautiful. He has the softest skin, the most beautiful of long eyelashes just like his Daddy, the cheekiest of smile that melts your heart even after he has done something naughty. Such a waste. How could this have happened? But my grief overcomes my anger, for I miss him so much. It is so so hard. Why do I have to go thru this journey of grief?

This afternoon, as Yen was watching Winnie the Pooh and Tigger on the TV at Granny’s house in Bangsar, she was dancing to the theme song of the cartoon, ‘when you have a problem – think. When you have a problem – think, think, think.’ My son absolutely loves this show. He would always dance to the song. His dancing is actually jumping. He looked so cute doing this, with his knees bent and just jumping up and down with his squeals of delight whenever the song plays. Sometimes he would even point his finger to his head to indicate ‘think think think’ just as the lead girl character, Darby, does on the show. I could not help it for I miss my son so much, so I said to Yen that ‘if Heng Jien is here, he’ll be watching this with you.’ Without mising a beat of her dancing and as naturally as she is, she replied in a chirpy and happy voice that ‘Heng Jien is watching in heaven.’ I smiled. When I told my husband about this, he said that our daughter will get us through this. Yes, I do believe that he is right.

It's Ok Not To Be Ok

Matthew just loves his cheh cheh. In fact, his first word was cheh cheh. These pics were taken when he was a few months old, in my parents house in Taiping. And for all the bullying that she got from him, Leticia loves him dearly.

I had thought that I have been coping with it all ok, but had some anxiety attacks last night. I don’t even know if that’s what it’s called. Feeling of panic overcame me, and my heart was palpitating, couldn’t sleep at all. I woke Marcel to hold me, just wanted to be held. There was some comfort there, but thoughts were of Matthew.

Texted Mabel from our playgroup in the morning. ‘Will it be OK for me to come and see you? I am tired of assuring everyone that I am ok when I am not.’ Mabel has always been an assuring person, since I met her last year. ‘Come now,’ she texted back, and that Aunty Harriet will be there for me as well. When words fail, a hug and a smile will just do, and she just did that. Cries and tears overcame me, and Aunty and Mabel just listened. It is ok not to be ok, they assured me. I guess it’s the Malaysian thing, that we want to put the other person at ease. When people ask ‘how are you’, we have been taught to reply ‘fine, thank you.’ People don’t expect to hear how bad your day had been. So similarly I guess, I was trying to assure people that I was doing ok. The truth is that I am not so okay. There are ok day, and there are not-so-ok days.

I was so glad that I came here to be with these two wonderful ladies, who gave me more than a shoulder to cry on. We talked, we laughed, reminiscing about Matthew and the things that he loves doing at the playgroup. Crying is good, laughing is good. Kin joined us when she came to pick her son Micah. A dear, new friend, whom I got the inspiration from to start a blog. A friend whom I would deliberate speak Hokkien with, for our northern Hokkien is the same. I got inspired from her blog, was following it for a couple of months before deciding to start my own last week.

How strange life is. I started this blog with the intention of recording both my children’s growing up years, but now, I want to use this as a way of helping me cope with the loss of dear Jien. I want to record down all the details of him, his personality, his quirks, etc, before I fear that - thru the passage of time - I may cease to remember. Even now, I am half expecting him to come up from behind me for a bear hug, or pulling my hand to lead me to the kitchen for some cookies.

As I walked out of the playgroup, down the staircase, out of the door and into the sunshine, I realized that this is the first time I am leaving it without Jien. He loves so much coming here. We started coming here in January. First, once a week, and then from July onwards, twice a week. He gets so excited when we reach the playgroup stair case that he will race up the stairs and starts banging on the door. And as soon as the door opens, he will just whiz in. My arms feels strangely empty, for this time, I am not carrying him. Jesus is carrying him now. I drove back to Taman Desa, where Marcel and Yen have been waiting for me. Marcel has been so worried for me. My daughter is excited to see me. My heart is lightened

Missing Him Is The Hardest

I had wanted to write a post, but words fail me right now. I am just looking at the pictures of my son Matthew. Has it already been 5 days since he has left us? It feels so surreal. I am half expecting him to come running out from the room like the tornado that he is. Home is so quiet, too quiet. My chest, where he lies on to go to sleep every night, feels so empty.

It's so hard to believe he's gone. His milk bottles are still on the kitchen counter, his clothes are still in the drawer, his towel is still hanging on the towel rack next to cheh cheh's towel, his pacifier (that he needs to suck on to go to sleep) is still in the container, everything is still as they are.

I feel differently every day, even during different times of the day. Anxiety, numbness, despair of the loss, security of where he is, grief, and feelings that I just can’t describe. Miss him so much.

On Monday, I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. But Yen had woken and was in the hall doing some colouring. It was 9am already. I had just wanted to curl in bed and wallow, but I know that I cannot. I cannot neglect my daughter. Mornings are the hardest. Jien would always come up onto our bed and sleep in between Marcel and I. I would always awoken in the mornings to find him by my side, but no more. Miss him so much. How long will this missing him last? It hurts. The feeling is just so overwhelming. Tears come so easily. But life goes on. I know that this is a process that I will go through. But it is just so hard. So hard. I miss his hugs, his kisses, his laughter…heck, I even miss his tantrums. The quietness is so much to bear. Still can’t believe that he’s gone





Yah, Mommy is taking us swimming

Cheh cheh piling all these toys on me as I was sleeping

Hey, what cha' doing mommy?

Good Bye Matthew

How does a parent say good bye to a child? How can a parent bury a child, when it should be that child who buries the parent?

Where do I put all the hopes and aspirations for the future for you Matthew? I had wanted and hoped to take you and your cheh-cheh to Disneyland, knowing that you would have enjoyed Mickey Mouse so much, and Winnie the Pooh and Tigger. Tigger has always been your favourite, because he is so full of energy and life. Just like you. You are like a blast, always up and about, always full of life and energy, never-ending laughters. Oh how I miss that. Even now, the home feels so empty without you. I have let you go. I know that you are in heaven with Jesus, who is probably running after you just as I have done so on earth.

I have this image in my head, that Jesus is holding your hand. You are both walking to heaven, and His back is facing us, but I know that it is Jesus. And your little hand in His hand, and you are walking with him, away from us to heaven. But you turned your head, smiling your ever-oh-so-cheeky smile of yours, saying ‘Bye Dah-Dee’..because you could not yet say Mommy. But I know that’s bye bye mommy and bye bye cheh cheh as well. We will all miss you Jien. Daddy named you Matthew, Mommy choose Ethan for your second name and Heng Jien as your Chinese name. Such beautiful names for such an astonishingly beautiful child.

My darling baby boy - have fun in heaven, have a good time with all the other kids and with the angels. It is a good place, so so much better than here on earth. We hope and want to join you some day, but life on earth goes on for us. Mommy and Daddy have to take care of your cheh-cheh. She misses you so much. She loves you so much, you know that. Even when you bully her and she cries, and Mommy comes shouting ‘Heng Jien’ what did you do to cheh-cheh?” , she would be so quick to say ‘no mommy, it was just an accident. Heng Jien didn’t do anything.’ I don’t know how tomorrow will be for us, or next week, or next year. We will NEVER forget you. How could we even do that? We have loved you from the moment that we knew you were in mommy’s womb. Cheh-cheh had read to you and kissed you even before you were born. You will not hurt in heaven, and continue on with your squeals of laughter which we now miss so much. We love you *blow a kiss*