Missing Her Brother

Was it a tough day at nursery school today, cheh cheh?

A big hug for my little brother

Mommy, cheh cheh is singing so loudly, make her stop

I'm so glad when mommy and Heng Jien come to pick me up after school

These pictures were taken when Leticia was 4+ and Matthew was 18 months old, the only pictures that i have of both of them in the back seat of my little trusty Tiara car. He would shriek with delight whenever he sees cheh cheh after her kindy.

Leticia misses her brother a lot. She knows that he is in heaven, and we try to be positive about it to her. That he is no more here with us because he is in heaven, as natural as we try to be. And as a five year old, she easily accepts that. As I was tucking her into bed just now, she said to me ‘Mommy, say good night to Heng Jien.’ So I said good-night to my son in heaven. Earlier in the evening as I was giving her the kids’ star- shaped vitamin, as I was shaking the tablets out of the bottle and 2 fell out onto my palm, she said ‘just one vitamin now mommy’. As much as I am glad that she is accepting well that Jien is not here anymore, I know she misses him so and it breaks my heart. He was her playmate and room mate, and more.

Since he left us, she has refused to sleep in her room and now sleeps with Marcel and I in our room. Though they both share a room, Jien would always come onto our bed when he wakes in the middle of the night. He doesn’t fuss nor want milk when he wakes, he’d just walk to our room and climb onto our bed – sleeping in between Marcel and I. I’d always wake to find him next to me, sometimes even with his toy rabbit Hoppity (it was the cheh cheh’s rabbit) with him. He had been rather attached to this rabbit a few weeks before, which I was a bit delighted since he never did have any attachment to any toy animals before, unlike Yen who was very attached to her toy cat Sparkles and the red dog Patrick when she was his age. I felt that it should be natural for kids his age to have their favourite toy animal. So that’s why Hoppity was with Jien in the casket. I am so glad that he looked so at peace, my handsome little boy, with Hoppity beside him - strange as it may sound – that he was not really alone.

The back seat of the car is so quiet now without Matthew. For the past one week, I have been looking back and seeing my daughter staring out the window, silent. Before, she would play with her brother (he is safely strapped in his baby car seat) and there would be laughter, squeals, complaints, screaming, etc. And now, silence in the back seat.

A few days ago, Yen asked me ‘are you going to have another baby?’ I told her that I’m not sure, and I don’t know yet. ‘Why, do you want another baby?’ I asked her. She shook her head and said ‘scared what happened to Heng Jien happen to baby,’ and she added ‘miss Heng Jien.’

Yes, we all do miss him. It’s incredibly and unbelievably hard. I’d be ok and the next moment, not ok. And when that happens, that feeling just so overwhelmingly overtakes my whole being. It’s indescribable. I’d never lost anyone close to me before, other than my grandma who passed on at the age of 84 after a long bout of illness. But this is my son. It’s so hard in even questioning why and what ifs.

Sometimes when I look at pictures of my son or think of him, I can’t help but feel ‘cheated.’ Cheated of a normal life with 2 normal kids, doing the mundane and ordinary things that a family of 4 does. Now it’s the 3 of us. We take so much for granted, until life gives you a twist. Yes, I feel angry sometimes. How could I not? Such a waste. Such a waste of my lovely son. He is so beautiful. He has the softest skin, the most beautiful of long eyelashes just like his Daddy, the cheekiest of smile that melts your heart even after he has done something naughty. Such a waste. How could this have happened? But my grief overcomes my anger, for I miss him so much. It is so so hard. Why do I have to go thru this journey of grief?

This afternoon, as Yen was watching Winnie the Pooh and Tigger on the TV at Granny’s house in Bangsar, she was dancing to the theme song of the cartoon, ‘when you have a problem – think. When you have a problem – think, think, think.’ My son absolutely loves this show. He would always dance to the song. His dancing is actually jumping. He looked so cute doing this, with his knees bent and just jumping up and down with his squeals of delight whenever the song plays. Sometimes he would even point his finger to his head to indicate ‘think think think’ just as the lead girl character, Darby, does on the show. I could not help it for I miss my son so much, so I said to Yen that ‘if Heng Jien is here, he’ll be watching this with you.’ Without mising a beat of her dancing and as naturally as she is, she replied in a chirpy and happy voice that ‘Heng Jien is watching in heaven.’ I smiled. When I told my husband about this, he said that our daughter will get us through this. Yes, I do believe that he is right.