Mommy and Daddy's little entertainers at home 
Don't look at me, cheh cheh is singing waaay too loud
Little drummer boyIt’s been three weeks since we lost Matthew, and I had not posted anything here because it is so painful. Private pain.. does it even make sense? Something private, personally deep, and yet, I want to put it down so that I’d know and remember this journey, so that perhaps one day, I may channel this into something positive. So that I’d not forget the pain when one day, it will not be so painful thinking of him, and missing him.
It feels surreal sometimes to be here, that the whole thing did not happen. But it did. What is the right way to feel? How long should I feel this way? I don’t know.
Walking in the mall in hard; seeing all the cute little clothes that I know he’ll look so nice in. A cute little SpongeBob shirt caught my eye (though I never liked that character) and my husband said that Jien would look so cute in it. Saw a Tigger romper, complete with tiger strips, that I know Jien would love, and would look absolutely adorable in as he jumps up and down while watching his favourite Tigger cartoon. Another show that gets him excited is Pocoyo. But my son is gone.
Went to Bangsar Village last week to meet some old college friends at a café, and the Concourse Area was occupied by Toy R Us displaying toys. I saw Thomas the Train, another of Jien’s favourite toys. He has exactly 16 trains of Thomas and his friends (trains, engines, jet fuel tankers and the works) of the Learning Curve brand, and I had been planning to get him the tracks and stations to go with it. I could not help but to pick up some of the toys, to look at them and to imagine my son playing with them. My son who would not have the chance to grow up to be all that his parents hope him to be.
When I took my daughter to the park the other day, she didn’t want to run about, or climb or swing. She just sat on the see-saw, and said that she misses her brother. That’s the first time we went to the park without Jien. We had not gone back since.
Everywhere that we go feels so different, for he is no longer with us. He’s such a handful, for he is so all over the place and so active. He’s his own little guy, doing what he wants. It was challenging caring and raising him. Though Leticia is just 3 years older than him, she is my little helper. Yen loves taking care of him, she’ll wear his shoes and sandles for him, run after him when he runs too far, even grab and hug him to keep still so that I could catch up with him as he is nonchalant to my shouts to stop. But he is always laughing, squealing with delight. He was a happy happy child who absolutely adores his sister. He is just happy with everything. Even when he’s naughty and gets a spank from me or his Daddy, he’ll cry just for a really short while, and soon, he’ll be back to his antics and being so cute, that we’ll be wondering how could we even spank such a cute and adorable thing.
Christmas is coming soon, and I was just looking through the Christmas pics that we took last year. His last Christmas with us. He would so enjoy Christmas. He would not really understand, but he would love tearing open the presents and just being happy in the company of his big sis and cousins. It will be a hard Christmas for his mommy and daddy.
It feels surreal sometimes to be here, that the whole thing did not happen. But it did. What is the right way to feel? How long should I feel this way? I don’t know.
Walking in the mall in hard; seeing all the cute little clothes that I know he’ll look so nice in. A cute little SpongeBob shirt caught my eye (though I never liked that character) and my husband said that Jien would look so cute in it. Saw a Tigger romper, complete with tiger strips, that I know Jien would love, and would look absolutely adorable in as he jumps up and down while watching his favourite Tigger cartoon. Another show that gets him excited is Pocoyo. But my son is gone.
Went to Bangsar Village last week to meet some old college friends at a café, and the Concourse Area was occupied by Toy R Us displaying toys. I saw Thomas the Train, another of Jien’s favourite toys. He has exactly 16 trains of Thomas and his friends (trains, engines, jet fuel tankers and the works) of the Learning Curve brand, and I had been planning to get him the tracks and stations to go with it. I could not help but to pick up some of the toys, to look at them and to imagine my son playing with them. My son who would not have the chance to grow up to be all that his parents hope him to be.
When I took my daughter to the park the other day, she didn’t want to run about, or climb or swing. She just sat on the see-saw, and said that she misses her brother. That’s the first time we went to the park without Jien. We had not gone back since.
Everywhere that we go feels so different, for he is no longer with us. He’s such a handful, for he is so all over the place and so active. He’s his own little guy, doing what he wants. It was challenging caring and raising him. Though Leticia is just 3 years older than him, she is my little helper. Yen loves taking care of him, she’ll wear his shoes and sandles for him, run after him when he runs too far, even grab and hug him to keep still so that I could catch up with him as he is nonchalant to my shouts to stop. But he is always laughing, squealing with delight. He was a happy happy child who absolutely adores his sister. He is just happy with everything. Even when he’s naughty and gets a spank from me or his Daddy, he’ll cry just for a really short while, and soon, he’ll be back to his antics and being so cute, that we’ll be wondering how could we even spank such a cute and adorable thing.
Christmas is coming soon, and I was just looking through the Christmas pics that we took last year. His last Christmas with us. He would so enjoy Christmas. He would not really understand, but he would love tearing open the presents and just being happy in the company of his big sis and cousins. It will be a hard Christmas for his mommy and daddy.
2 comments:
It's true that your pain is very private and personal, because it was your child that was lost... and anything and everything could trigger that great pain, anywhere, anytime...
No words can express such loss and pain.
We remember you and your family and you're constantly in our prayers.
Take care, my dear.
Be strong for Leticia.Bring her more often to us so she can have an outlet i.e baby Erin for all the love and affection she can't physically shower on her little brother!
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