It's Ok Not To Be Ok

Matthew just loves his cheh cheh. In fact, his first word was cheh cheh. These pics were taken when he was a few months old, in my parents house in Taiping. And for all the bullying that she got from him, Leticia loves him dearly.

I had thought that I have been coping with it all ok, but had some anxiety attacks last night. I don’t even know if that’s what it’s called. Feeling of panic overcame me, and my heart was palpitating, couldn’t sleep at all. I woke Marcel to hold me, just wanted to be held. There was some comfort there, but thoughts were of Matthew.

Texted Mabel from our playgroup in the morning. ‘Will it be OK for me to come and see you? I am tired of assuring everyone that I am ok when I am not.’ Mabel has always been an assuring person, since I met her last year. ‘Come now,’ she texted back, and that Aunty Harriet will be there for me as well. When words fail, a hug and a smile will just do, and she just did that. Cries and tears overcame me, and Aunty and Mabel just listened. It is ok not to be ok, they assured me. I guess it’s the Malaysian thing, that we want to put the other person at ease. When people ask ‘how are you’, we have been taught to reply ‘fine, thank you.’ People don’t expect to hear how bad your day had been. So similarly I guess, I was trying to assure people that I was doing ok. The truth is that I am not so okay. There are ok day, and there are not-so-ok days.

I was so glad that I came here to be with these two wonderful ladies, who gave me more than a shoulder to cry on. We talked, we laughed, reminiscing about Matthew and the things that he loves doing at the playgroup. Crying is good, laughing is good. Kin joined us when she came to pick her son Micah. A dear, new friend, whom I got the inspiration from to start a blog. A friend whom I would deliberate speak Hokkien with, for our northern Hokkien is the same. I got inspired from her blog, was following it for a couple of months before deciding to start my own last week.

How strange life is. I started this blog with the intention of recording both my children’s growing up years, but now, I want to use this as a way of helping me cope with the loss of dear Jien. I want to record down all the details of him, his personality, his quirks, etc, before I fear that - thru the passage of time - I may cease to remember. Even now, I am half expecting him to come up from behind me for a bear hug, or pulling my hand to lead me to the kitchen for some cookies.

As I walked out of the playgroup, down the staircase, out of the door and into the sunshine, I realized that this is the first time I am leaving it without Jien. He loves so much coming here. We started coming here in January. First, once a week, and then from July onwards, twice a week. He gets so excited when we reach the playgroup stair case that he will race up the stairs and starts banging on the door. And as soon as the door opens, he will just whiz in. My arms feels strangely empty, for this time, I am not carrying him. Jesus is carrying him now. I drove back to Taman Desa, where Marcel and Yen have been waiting for me. Marcel has been so worried for me. My daughter is excited to see me. My heart is lightened