Missing Him Is The Hardest

I had wanted to write a post, but words fail me right now. I am just looking at the pictures of my son Matthew. Has it already been 5 days since he has left us? It feels so surreal. I am half expecting him to come running out from the room like the tornado that he is. Home is so quiet, too quiet. My chest, where he lies on to go to sleep every night, feels so empty.

It's so hard to believe he's gone. His milk bottles are still on the kitchen counter, his clothes are still in the drawer, his towel is still hanging on the towel rack next to cheh cheh's towel, his pacifier (that he needs to suck on to go to sleep) is still in the container, everything is still as they are.

I feel differently every day, even during different times of the day. Anxiety, numbness, despair of the loss, security of where he is, grief, and feelings that I just can’t describe. Miss him so much.

On Monday, I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. But Yen had woken and was in the hall doing some colouring. It was 9am already. I had just wanted to curl in bed and wallow, but I know that I cannot. I cannot neglect my daughter. Mornings are the hardest. Jien would always come up onto our bed and sleep in between Marcel and I. I would always awoken in the mornings to find him by my side, but no more. Miss him so much. How long will this missing him last? It hurts. The feeling is just so overwhelming. Tears come so easily. But life goes on. I know that this is a process that I will go through. But it is just so hard. So hard. I miss his hugs, his kisses, his laughter…heck, I even miss his tantrums. The quietness is so much to bear. Still can’t believe that he’s gone





Yah, Mommy is taking us swimming

Cheh cheh piling all these toys on me as I was sleeping

Hey, what cha' doing mommy?