Matthew's Last Night With Us

These are the precious pictures that we have of Jien and us together, of our family together, on 30 October 2008, the day before he went to Jesus. Daddy had come home early from work at about 8 plus, just as the kids were finishing their dinner of rice with nuggets. Daddy then played with the kids while mommy cleared and washed the dishes. Daddy though of a new game for the kids, throwing and aiming the pieces of Yen’s plastic masak-masak toy food into a bucket. It was a night that the kids stayed up way past their 9.30pm bedtime, to be with Daddy. Yen was also learning how to use our digital camera, so it was her who took the shots of Jien with his parents. It was a happy happy night, full of laughter and shrieks and hugs and roll-abouts. It was a perfect perfect last night with our son.

Daddy with his two little pride and joy

Jien wanted to climb on Daddy's shoulder and almost broke Daddy's specs.

what a glare from Daddy but that didn't faze him

Alright, Daddy removed his specs and

Jien got what he wanted, to be on Daddy's shoulder,

and Yen laughing away

Daddy and Mommy with their handsome little son

Keep still Jien, cheh cheh is taking our picture


Look at the camera son, cheh cheh is taking our picture

Mommy giving Jien a big big slurpy kiss

It’s been 30 days since Jien has gone to Jesus..30 days, one month. It feels like a dream that he’s been gone. Sometimes, I’d half expect him to come whizzing running from his room from his hiding spot under the mattress. He’s also good at hiding under the pile of pillows that most times, his Daddy and I could not find him, since he’s so petite. That pile of pillows will be his hiding spot after a bath. After getting wiped dry, my little naked son will run to our bedroom and hide under the pillows. He’s such a cheeky little imp, a little Speedy Gonzales that’s always on the go, and nothing gets him down.

We miss him so much. Just last night, Yen was saying that ‘I’m bored going to the park as I don’t have Heng Jien to play with.’ Yen and I had not gotten back to our old routine. I had only cooked once since Jien has been gone, it was last week. Even cooking a meal is hard. Everything is to be reduced. I took out 4 pieces of nuggets instead of the usual 7, because my son is not here. I cooked a half cup of rice instead of the usual three quarters cup of rice because my son is gone. Every regular thing that I do is to be changed, because my son is no longer here, and because he was such a big big part of me..he and his sister are my everything. How do I even go on? I just do.. I miss him so so much it hurts, it bleeds my heart..

Even as I clean the house, I’d fine that odd piece of puzzle that he had left under the sofa, or the lego piece under the TV bench. Or his musical toy in the top drawer in my bedroom, etc….it just hurts hurts hurts..i so want my son back..i want to hug him,,,I miss his hugs.

My first thoughts when I wake in the morning are of him. I miss finding him sleeping next to me. He’d always come to Marcel’s and my bed when he wakes in the middle of the night, from the bedroom that he shares with his sister. No fuss for milk or a diaper change or anything of that sort. He just wants to be with Mommy. At two and a half, he still needs to be patted to sleep. He’d lie his head on the left side of my chest, my arm as his pillow and he’ll pull my other arm to be around him. He wants to be hugged as he goes to sleep. I miss that. And in the mornings when I wake, and at nights when I go to sleep, I’d close my eyes and remember and imagine that he’s next to me.

No one can come to really understand or imagine what Marcel and I are going through, unless they too have lost a child. It is so so hard. No, we are not dwelling in the past. We have let him go, he is with Jesus. We just miss him oh so much. His sister and us would talk about how he would be doing something with Jesus and the other angels in heaven, like running about in the field, (Yen had asked if there are parks in heaven, and I said that I am sure there are) or even how perhaps he would be throwing his tantrums there, as Yen puts it ‘he’ll throw a tantrum when he doesn’t get things his way’ ha ha. But never mind, for Jesus has Mother Mary and all the other angels to help him take care of Jien. Or that Jesus has switched on the TV for Jien as his favourite show Pocoyo is on. Yen has mentioned that she hoped Jesus has better luck in feeding Jien healthy food like fruits and vegetables, for my son is such a picky eater. Such conversations bring a smile to me, for I too, would imagine Jesus with a spoon in his hand, feeding my son.

Leticia is 5, and we had to make it simple and comprehensible for her to understand where her brother has gone. She has accepted it well, though she misses him so. A couple of days ago, she mentioned that a Kakak (domestic maid) had come to pick up a school mate after the kindergarten classes had ended, and that the Kakak was carrying a toddler. Yen said that the ‘baby’ looked just like Heng Jien, and that she had wanted to come and hug him, but she was sitting too far. When she said that, tears just welled in my eyes, and I could literally feel my heart strings so strongly tugged.

She has been such a wonderful sister to Jien, and she still is. I know that one day, she will forget him.. I don’t mean that she will forget that she has a brother, but that she will forget the little details of him, the fun that they had together, the quirks of her brother, what he does, how he does it, etc. She is only 5. How many of us can even remember what happened or what we did when we were 5? We can only remind her of so much, for she too, has to move on and we don’t want to ‘burden’ her with the details of it all to ‘suffocate’ her. She has wonderful and happy memories of him, and only time will tell, of what she can remember of him, in years to come. My little girl has always loved babies. Even before Jien was born, she as a little toddler herself, was fascinated with babies. Exactly 3 years and 2 months older than her brother, she has helped me take care of Jien from the moment he was born.

I love my son, I miss my son…what else is there to say.