Happy Birthday Earth Boy

Matthew will be three years old in a few days. Miss him so so much. I see the pictures of him; of him alone, of him with cheh cheh, of him with us. I can't believe that he's gone. So surreal, yet so real. So sad, so angry, so in grief. It's been over five and a half months. I couldn't blog. So painful. So angry at some people who talk without thinking, angry at myself for letting that affect me, angry and dissappointed at those whom i thought i could count on, and yet be surprised by the support and love of those I least expect from. So much tears, it never stops. So tired of this grief, it's so draining. Yes, I miss you so, my puppy boy. I miss your laughs, your shrieks of joy, your happiness at the simpliest things. Your cheh cheh laughs alone now, and i'd try to imagine your laughters in hers. So hard to carry on every single day. So hard to put on a brave front everyday. So hard to fall asleep at night without you in my arms, your head on my chest, feeling your breath. How I wish that i had held you longer that last time, to savour every bit of you. I will always regret that. To hold you close again...

Were you with us for two and a half years? Feels like a dream sometimes. Your toys and clothes are still here. Though I have not opened the drawers for a while now. Maybe i will later, to see your favourite clothes, your favourite toys. To imagine that you are still here, playing with them as I sit on the sofa trying to read the papers. Trying to imagine you in my mind, of you running from room to hall and from hall to room. Taking things, disturbing cheh cheh. How I miss her shrieks of 'mommy Heng Jien is distrubing me'. It is so quiet now. The silence is deafening. Mommy and Daddy are not meant to have one child, your cheh cheh only. That's why we wanted you. We have so so much love to give. Wish you can feel our love for you even now. Can you feel it in heaven? Mommy is so so sorry that mommy could not take care of you well enough here on earth. I know that Jesus takes care of you now, so much better. But i still love you so, I still miss you so, I always will. I still cry for you, i still pine for you.

Happy birthday soon to my earth boy. Your birthday is on earth day, 22 April. Cheh cheh said that you would want a Thomas train cake. Yeah, i'm sure you would. I remember that you liked the Thomas bag that belonged to someone at the playgroup. I wish that I got one for you then. Happy Birthday soon, baby. Mommy and Daddy love you so so much